Churning rage and pitch ebb and flow like tides
nothing sure about it though
except that it is there
left to hang in it
that which I know most intimately
I laugh
because we're here again
because healing is just as stupid as staying sick
because I can't tell the difference anymore.
a noose and a bridle
the pump has reached the sludge
and the machine is just fueled on shit now.

"Whether she walked a short way or a long way the telling is easy, but the journey was hard. The wood was very dark, and she could not help trembling from fear. Suddenly she heard the sound of a horse's hoofs and a man on horseback galloped past her. He was dressed all in white, the horse under him was milk-white and the harness was white, and just as he passed her it became twilight."- "Wassillissa the beautiful and Baba Yaga"

O'Malley has given me work.
I like to have a purpose.
Killing wolves has not given me pleasure in a while.
O'Malley says he hopes to have cured me of that.

A girl sits in front of me at a pine wood coffee table.
Asks so many questions.
Until further notice I am her bodyguard.
It might just mean sitting on this couch and watching her draw endlessly.
Or it might eventually mean actual work.

Imagine Ryan's surprise. Just as a bear leaves, I arrive.
I owe the bear a favor anyway.
He sits warily with the girl.
I can smell his fear. He's distrustful as well. Afraid to leave her alone with me.
However I have given O'Malley my word. He has no reason to fear.
I have killed children before. But her death would mean breaking my promise.

"Are you magick?"
"I don't understand."
"You're eyes just turned yellow for a second there. How'd they do that?"
"I'm part wolf."
"You're magick?!"
"I don't know much magic. I'm just part wolf."
"But isn't...doesn't that make you magick?"
"Depends. I can't turn into a wolf right now."
"Why not?"
"My skin was taken away."
"Wow."
"......"
"what color was your fur?!"
"A mix of soil and sand."
"I'm gonna draw a picture of it!"

She's been furiously drawing pictures of what she imagines is my wolf form ever since. 

Goddammit O'Malley.

O'Malley's like a brother to me. He's good to me when nobody else has reason to.

He dragged me out by the collar into the woods and said "Mom" said it was time to get clean. He meant His mother. He meant the forest. Said She missed me. Said She asked for His help.

He spent alot of time burning out toxins and ripping me apart. Cedar ash, sage oil, river water and sea salt. The jonesing was the hardest part. Not even my entrails in his teeth hurt as much as the withdrawal did.

Rested and fed. Now I sit and guard a fucking fish tank. I feel shitty. I feel better. I feel cautious. But at the end of the day, I go to the saloon and O'Malley sits with me.

I'll take a vacation,
and finish a job I left hanging.

Ohtah Ohtah Ishtah Ishtah.........

Never thought I'd find myself on a payroll for this. It just makes me laugh.